Wednesday, February 22, 2006

A cry for help/random gibberish

Well... tomorrow is the big day... We go to another doctor to try to find out what is up with the cysts my wife has. Hopefully this one will be the right one. I've discovered something about myself during all this... I am real good at turning stuff over to God for him to handle- But I am better at snatching it back and hanging on to it with all I have. I worry. I'm anxious. I drive myself nuts. I smoke a lot- even though I'm supposed to have quit. I dwell on things and close in on myself. It's sad... I know what I should do with this- I should trust in God to take care of it- in His time- in the way He thinks is best.... But I have problems letting go. I know that there are more people praying for my wife than I ever thought could pray about something. I know that no matter how much worrying I do- I will not change things by doing so. I know that it is in God's hands- not mine. Yet I still hang on... How do you deal with this? How do you let go and just trust in God to handle things? And when you do hand them over... how do you keep yourself from grabbing it back? *I've witheld writing this post for quite some time... I try to be Stormii's rock even when I'm not feeling like I can be. I hate to let her know I am worried- and I hate not letting her know also. Some days it eats me up inside because I don't have a clue what I'm doing... Last night- She was upset about my smoking... I totally understand that, but until we are through this- I don't think I can quit. But that started us down the track where she thinks I am smoking because of her... In a way- she's partially right... but it's MY MONKEY- not hers... I am smoking because it's a way I've always dealt with things... it's a comfort thing for me in a way. It really has nothing to do with her. I don't even know if any of this is making sense... Anyway... Maybe somebody has some advice for me? Maybe on how I can leave things in God's hands and not try to take it all on my shoulders? ****It was brought to my attention that some of you may not have a clue what I am talking about with the cysts.... Basically, last year Stormii's doctor felt something in her abdomen that felt a little odd to her. She sent us to get a CT scan- that showed a rather large mass of cysts. A trip to the surgeon, and then he recommended a uroligist. Urologist sent us for an MRI- then decided it was a bigger job than he can handle, and he has recommended us to yet another Urologist. We go tomorrow to the new one. The mass of cysts in her belly can be seen on the scans starting around the lungs and diapragm, continues down to her bladder- touching pretty much everything inbetween. They think it is connected to her kidney (the one that looks like a pancake in the scans) and we will probably need more tests to find out for sure. A quick scan of our posts about it are here, here(bottom), here, here & here. A few of Stormii's can be found here, here & here.

12 comments:

Texas_Ivy10 said...

No advice here, but I'll be praying for stormii and thinking of you both!

Bar Bar A said...

Hey Guppy,

Since I am new to your blog, and Stormi's, I didn't know about her cysts. Is there a post somewhere I can read to get up to date?

Your post made perfect sense. I think what you are going through is very natural. You give it to God and take it back, then you give it to Him again. I think the majority of us do that. It's hard to leave it with Him even when we trust Him, have faith in Him, it's our human nature to worry. What I do is go back to the good old verses in Phil 4:6 about anxiety and try to turn EVERY WORRY that crosses my mind into a prayer. Of course I don't always do it, but when I do I immediately feel a peace.

Smoking is a pain in the butt to quit. Oh my gosh, it's one of the hardest things to give up! As much as she hates your smoking and as much as she will probably get pissed off at me saying this (sorry Stormi) I would agree with you that you should put it off until you know for sure that she is okay.

I assume you are only smoking outside the house, not inside. Now that would be gross....

One last word, God's hands are much bigger than your shoulders. He wants to hold Stormi AND you and your daughter. Praying for you guys.

Dramedy Girl said...

My heart goes out to your wife. Hopefully, you will get some answers and they will be able to get everything taken care of soon.

Don't feel guilty about how you are handling the situation. Everyone is different and if cigarettes help right now, well then, that's what you need.

Take care!

Crabgirl said...

Gup....
You know so many people care so much about what is happening. We love you guys so much and pray for everything to turn out ok. You always know I am there for you to turn to if you need me....always have been and always will be. Just call me. I LOVE YOU! And Stormii!! Let me know.

Crabgirl

jayne d'Arcy said...

One thing you have to realize is that you are still human. And it is human nature to worry and to be afraid, so don't kick yourself for it. One thing my husband and I have found (as we went through the annoying hula hoops of getting my lupus diagnosis and aftermath) is that we have to let each other know what we're feeling. My husband is such a rock, that sometimes he comes off as either not caring or paying attention. Very hard for me when I can be such an emotional roller coaster. Just remember that as much as Stomii is worrying about what's going on in her body, she's also worried about you and her family. Share your fears & worries - that's how you let go.

Susan L. Prince said...

It is never easy to turn things over to God because so much of the time, we want to be in control. Well, it is scary to realize you are not in control, but unfortunately, no matter how much you try to hang on, you just can't control some things. What you can control is how you deal with trial.

Talk to God. Tell Him your fears. Confess that you want to let go, but you are having a hard time. Confess your anxiety...He will listen. He wants to take your burdens from you.

Read His Word.

Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song

Philippians 4:9
Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me

Isaiah 40:29
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

James 1:12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

I prayed for you and your wife.

-xtessa- said...

as cheesy as it may sound, i always find comfort in a quote that was taught to us by nuns long ago..."Do your best and God will do the rest!"

it is normal to be afraid and to worry. we might trust in HIM but we still worry that the answers He'll give us is not the answer we want. He gives us what we need.

He won't give you what you can't bear.

"Letting go to know the truth
Is not so hard to do
It's the heart that's got the will
To open up for Him to fill
And trusting and believing Him
Is all we've got to do
It's just the heart that's got to move
For Him to show His love that's been there
Even when we never cared
Take hold of His hand
Let go and you'll understand"
-Letting Go by a Filipino artist

eph2810 said...

I have been praying for Stormii all morning. I should be including you as well. :)

TNChick said...

I don't think you'd be "normal" if you didn't worry, dwell, wonder and try to hold in all in your arms. I'd been prayin'....

Marybeth said...

Guppyman...I've got you and Stormii in my prayers. I hope you find comfort and peace. I so totally understand what you are saying about giving to God and taking it back. I do that all the time. We're human. I think God knows that...and expects it from us. But the truth is that He never really lets us have it back. We think we've got it...but God always has us in His hands. Stay strong. I'll be praying for yall.

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

i can understand you want to quit smoking, but i don't know if this is the time. there is alot going on right now and it sounds like smoking gives you time to escape what you are facing with your wife. i think it's something you will be able to do, but right now i think it's actually more important that you be able to support your wife with what she needs than focus on yourself. i came here via her blog, i haven't read what she wrote yet on hers, not sure if i'll change my mind after i read hers, this is just what i'm thinking after reading yours.

alyceclover said...

Everything you said made perfect sense. I could come up with advice by recalling how my brothers handled going through that. But think you've got some stuff to go on. Don't even think about smoking, unless that will take your mind off your wife! Sometimes doing something that takes your focus away from the problem, is what God needs to fix things. GoD Bless. Love the butterflies and turtles.